Tuesday, March 25, 2008

call me elizabeth...with a "z"

i already can't remember much of what transpired over the best fluffy lasagna i've ever eaten! ...yes, lasagna can be fluffy and i ate it. who's better than me? not you! ...well maybe you, because you'd actually have a better memory than me. i blame my secret desire to actually live up to a comment made by a really cool classmate that asked me if i was a lush...in a good way. yes, there is a good way. so watch out...in a few more months i'll be able to make it through cocktail hour, dinner and dessert without ingesting my greens through my sinuses because i just did a face plant in my salad. or thought my salad was trying to artistically convey a special transmission from jesus...saying my god!, how are you ever going to get into my heaven if you can't get fucked up with me over bread and wine??!! blasphemous!!!

what i do know is this: i was lucky enough to meet yet two more really great people who are friends of the keeper of the girl. [that's me...the girl] and i'm not just spitting out compliments because they said my art was great. i laughed so much over dinner and enjoyed being a fly on the wall named elizabeth. i think it will be quite awhile before i forget about that one. and poor ted. he got teased all night about it. i'm thinking he was being funny because i have no idea how he got elizabeth from keiko. its ok ted...i've hit my head many a times and inhaled and ingested my share of toxic art material chemicals. i hear things too. shit...i swear there's a ghost kitty here in the basement with me.

so anyway...we watched a peep show in the microwave, laughed about ted having never gotten his ass on a bike and being a bike shop owner, and had a awesome reading by his girlfriend octavia of the funniest and best letter written about the new always advertising campaign. i should post it here should anyone i didn't already forward it to happen to wander upon my blog. its fucking hilarious! ...here. let me go fetch and paste it....[la la la-la...la la.........]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Branch Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps! Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

funny shit. fucking funny shit. this needs to be read. i am an instant fan of this wendi aarons!

so we had major laughs reliving her bad ass letter to the editor! i have been inspired to write my own letter to some editor. or someone. anyone. anyone at all. or at least apply for a job in the marketing department of proctor and gamble. shit. if they're gonna have a moron come up with a tagline like "have a happy period" i can get all kinds of advertising shit over their heads on how they use animal testing for their products. ....am i the only one that thinks it would be fucking hilarious to have an ad showing how superior always pads are in absorbancy and protection over leading and trailing brands because in lab tests using monkeys that love to throw shit [including shit]...they flew the farthest, incurring the least amount of irritation from receiving immobile bunny's eye balls. fuck. the ad can start out by saying "and you thought only boys had a f-16 tucked away in their pants that made them feel safe and secure!" ...hahahahahahahahaha! ha!

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