Thursday, April 3, 2008

queen of the mountain...

i did it!
today i rode my bike all the way to work and all the way home...all the way up that hill without getting off and taking the bike for a walk!!!
i'm proud of myself dammit. i hardly exercise and haven't been on a bike since i was in college riding around like a speed demon dodging peds and idiot sun devil drivers from stupid lot 59 to campus. [lot 59 is like over a mile away...more like 5 when its freaking 120 outside]
this is even more fun than taking an adventure on the metro.
i get to check out everyone's ass as they speed on by me putting along.
and yes, i live on a hill. really. i do.
everyone laughs their ass off at me and says its a slope. or try to convince me its just a street really. queen anne is on a hill. but i say its a HILL.
c'mon...i'm from phoenix. anything that has an incline more than flat is basically a hill. ok. there's a few mountains to tattoo with knobby tires. squaw peak mountain. camelback mountain. south mountain. but if you're commuting and not just blowing off steam...everything is basically flat as my japanese ass.
and you can just kiss that because i hauled it up the fucking hill home!

Friday, March 28, 2008

spring in seattle is one mother...

i'm pretty sure mother nature is off smoking pot with the rest of seattle....that stinking hippie chick. wasn't the first day of spring last week? apparently it was everywhere else but here. if i was back in phoenix i'm sure i'd be spouting off about how its supposed to be spring-so why does it feel like all hell broke loose to have spring break here?!
speaking of spring break. that started today for seattle schools.
but it was snowing.
guess someone didn't get the memo. we just celebrated with jesus on his pogo stick collecting aborted bunny eggs to nest in his crown of thorns and now god's dandruff is littering the landscape. i'm not complaining...i love it when it snows and rains. i just miss spring...i mean summer in phoenix when the tank tops and flip flops come out of hibernation. * it ever tank top and flip flop weather up here in seattle??

prints and princesses

daruma monkey!..."sometimes even my dreams and wishes are screwy"...successfully adopted just another surreal night in ballard...this time at sev shoon arts center where i am a renting printmaker. we just had out annual auction to raise funds for the keep it open and running so that weirdos like me can make not one piece of art...but dozens with ease to populate the city with. not to mention the ink under my fingernails and not quite washed off my paws as i make that seattle roll for ya. don't worry, no extra calories in ink!

i was lucky enough to win over 2 patrons for the show with my lost puppy dog eyes...patrons who shelled out the big bucks to get a print of their choice, free booze, and getting me in a dress. thanks to m-chan for helping me dress myself. just call me the studio slut. ...ok. ok. vixen and sexy were a few of the comments i received right after the wow!...i didn't recgonize you!!! and then i got some laughs out of them from not staying in that short red chinese dress very long and jumping back into my "sev shoon clothes" [as owner dionne put it]. the best part is that i'm not alone...this quick change into comfy jeans and a t-shirt from being all dolled up is a printmakers secret ability. apparently i've found my long lost clan here in ballard.

neighbor gal peg [collector of] who came with bike master dale, was witness to a very elated patron who picked my buddha monkey print. i eventually went over and introduced myself and to say thank you. shit. someone got excited over my art! so the new parent is this architect that lives right down the street from me. he said that not only did he like the print because he's a practicing buddhist [and apparently my image wasn't offensive]...but the title caught his attention. i named it "amarebebeeniswaswere". he spouted off the one he learned from 4th grade also. even though it's basically the same words but in a different order plus 3 others i wouldn't be able to tell you even if a carmel pecan sundae was involved. it was just really strange that someone else remembered a string of grammer from the 4th grade and flattering to me that he liked my art. almost as good as seeing heather squeal and jump like a real live anime character when i gave her herself as naruto for her birthday. and then i talked shit about arizona because its so hot with luna's patrons who were from ahwatuke. [luna constructed this bad ass chandelier out of copper with etchings on it and then printed one of the panels to be included in the auction!] paul, my newest fishbowl fan invited me to go down to voltaire's with them all...but in the end i didn't go since i hadn't brought my wallet. [not to mention forgetting my keys again] i would have to had to shove that in my panties. the wallet that is. free show if i actually had gotten carded.

and get this. ok. i move to seattle and for a job at blue c where i eventually i end up working in the center of the universe [fremont] to find i'm not the only female japanese sushi chef around. not only that but this other girl [younger] has crazy colored hair like i usually do. and not only that but we have the same unique bad ass birthday. pearl harbor day [december 7th]. imagine that. the list there goes on and on with that new friend. but make a new column right next door for yoshi, the other [again younger] japanese american printmaker at sev shoon. not only that but she lives in a basement as well on the exact opposite side of the street! no shit. she's 3 doors down on the opposite side of the street on the other side of a main arterial. kinda like a mirror image. that's too weird. and also was born on one of the best days a japanese could be born on...aside from pearl harbor day and the day that out government decided to put all 10 thou+ americans of japanese descent in concentration camps right here in the good ole us of a. i'm talking about when the u.s. bombed hiroshima [august 6th]. two japanese american printmaking girls. one born on the day japan dropped a bunch of little bombs...and the other on the day of retaliation when the americans dropped one big fat bomb. this really is getting eerie. and i'm no longer so unique.

but here's something not so surreal and serious. at least not yet. i made a new printmaking work buddy [michelle] who does these beautiful bird prints and gets down to the studio just as much as i do. so we're going to try to coordinate some time to not be in the studio working. i'm actually excited. i made a new friend.

this auction was an awesome experience. not only did i get my art shown to some new eyes and new homes...but i learned that sev shoon is full of really interesting and nice quirky people. i don't even know if i fit in here either since being there makes me not the weirdest person in the room. that's not slowing me down a bit though as my ass is so there! unbeknownst to her, the studio manager was inadvertently distracting me all night. so sev shoon soon!!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

call me elizabeth...with a "z"

i already can't remember much of what transpired over the best fluffy lasagna i've ever eaten! ...yes, lasagna can be fluffy and i ate it. who's better than me? not you! ...well maybe you, because you'd actually have a better memory than me. i blame my secret desire to actually live up to a comment made by a really cool classmate that asked me if i was a a good way. yes, there is a good way. so watch a few more months i'll be able to make it through cocktail hour, dinner and dessert without ingesting my greens through my sinuses because i just did a face plant in my salad. or thought my salad was trying to artistically convey a special transmission from jesus...saying my god!, how are you ever going to get into my heaven if you can't get fucked up with me over bread and wine??!! blasphemous!!!

what i do know is this: i was lucky enough to meet yet two more really great people who are friends of the keeper of the girl. [that's me...the girl] and i'm not just spitting out compliments because they said my art was great. i laughed so much over dinner and enjoyed being a fly on the wall named elizabeth. i think it will be quite awhile before i forget about that one. and poor ted. he got teased all night about it. i'm thinking he was being funny because i have no idea how he got elizabeth from keiko. its ok ted...i've hit my head many a times and inhaled and ingested my share of toxic art material chemicals. i hear things too. shit...i swear there's a ghost kitty here in the basement with me.

so anyway...we watched a peep show in the microwave, laughed about ted having never gotten his ass on a bike and being a bike shop owner, and had a awesome reading by his girlfriend octavia of the funniest and best letter written about the new always advertising campaign. i should post it here should anyone i didn't already forward it to happen to wander upon my blog. its fucking hilarious! let me go fetch and paste it....[la la la.........]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Branch Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps! Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

funny shit. fucking funny shit. this needs to be read. i am an instant fan of this wendi aarons!

so we had major laughs reliving her bad ass letter to the editor! i have been inspired to write my own letter to some editor. or someone. anyone. anyone at all. or at least apply for a job in the marketing department of proctor and gamble. shit. if they're gonna have a moron come up with a tagline like "have a happy period" i can get all kinds of advertising shit over their heads on how they use animal testing for their products. i the only one that thinks it would be fucking hilarious to have an ad showing how superior always pads are in absorbancy and protection over leading and trailing brands because in lab tests using monkeys that love to throw shit [including shit]...they flew the farthest, incurring the least amount of irritation from receiving immobile bunny's eye balls. fuck. the ad can start out by saying "and you thought only boys had a f-16 tucked away in their pants that made them feel safe and secure!" ...hahahahahahahahaha! ha!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

oh jesus...egg pooping bunnies!

the great white god of fornication left us some of his pooped out walleyed offspring at our back door this morning. this elicited great joy from the two resident artists, m-chan and i, as we collaborated in an impromptu art project in response. 15 minutes and a diorama entitled "rest in peeps" was resurrected! complete with metallic cross, nails accessorizing bunny jesus, recently deceased uni eared chocolate bunny, egg pooping chicks and some of my misfit asian bunnies from asu days. which by the way...if you happen to carry 3 gallon sized ziplock bags crammed with slanty eyed peeps popping pills, drinking beers and smoking cigs into your carry on bag through airport security, rest assured you will baffle them. i nearly avoided my second pat down and private interview from trying to relocate my "yellow fever contained" peep project!

on a somewhat unrelated note...before retiring for bed i was looking in the mirror and saw not my rudolph red alcohol intolerable face but dimples. its a miracle! not one...but two sets! holy shit. i'm either smiling and laughing more [here one would relate back to the previous paragraph]...or i'm getting fatter. could be both because i ate so much delicious food tonight [including 2 lamb chops and the best upside down pineapple cake ever] that i don't care if the ghost comes and smothers the life out of me tonight because i am so content. that and wishing i could just drink my dinner out of a straw tomorrow because i'm stuffed like that easter ham you just ate. who's better than us tonight? no one. ...and no, not him either.

see you in hell...